It is the morning after. Reality settles in. The queens voice trembles, as the demons are being exorcised from her soul. They push and pull with power and might. The palace walls shake….
Will she succumb to her addictions to numbness and disillusion? Or will she heed the advice of her most valiant and noble warrior? Will she realize this warrior is a princess in disguise, her first born, heiress to the throne? Or will she chose to banish this warrior from the battle once the taste of blood hits her lips? There is a light at the end of this war of darkness, but the queen must be prepared to walk out of its shadows.
Chest is tight, heart is heavy, head hung low. Emotions. Feelings. Wear them well? Mine are on my sleeve….We’ve become accustomed to hiding, pretending, and forgetting. Instead of talking about truth, we fake a smile, push out a joke, convince ourselves its funny then change the subject. Why? I teach my kids to accept, discuss, acknowledge and try and yet grownups judge, gossip, ignore, give up. To expect more from children than we expect from ourselves, or each other for that matter, is rediculous, disgusting, distasteful and discouraging. Chest is tight, heart is heavy, head hung low.
I hate meetings. I hate higher power.
I hate anyone who has a program.
To all who come in contact with me, I wish you death.
And I wish you suffering.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction.
Cunning, baffling, and powerful. That’s me.
I have killed millions, and I am pleased.
I love to catch you with the element of surprise.
I love pretending I am your friend and lover.
I have given you comfort, have I not?
Wasn’t I there when you were lonely?
When you wanted to die, didn’t you call me? I was there.
I love to make you hurt.
I love to make you cry. Better yet,
I love to make you so numb you can neither hurt nor cry.
You can’t feel anything at all. This is true glory.
I will give you instant gratification
And all I ask of you is long term suffering.
I’ve been there for you always.
When things were going right in your life, you invited me.
You said you didn’t deserve these good things.
And I was the only one who would agree with you.
Together we were able to destroy all things good in your life.
People don’t take me seriously.
They take strokes seriously, heart attacks,
Even Diabetes they take seriously, fools that they are.
They don’t know that without my help,
These things would not be made possible.
I am such a hated disease.
And yet, I do not come uninvited. You choose to have me.
So many have chosen me over reality and peace.
More than you hate me,
I hate all of you who have a 12-step program.
Your program, your meetings, your Higher Power.
All weaken me and I can’t function in the manner
I am accustomed to.
Now I must lie here quietly.
You don’t see me, but I am growing bigger than ever.
When you only exist, I may live. When you live, I only exist.
But I am here…and until we meet again,
If we meet again..I wish you death and suffering.
What’s it all about? I thought I would feel differently by this time of the day, but I don’t. Waking up, I was hopeful. I cannot deny I was also doubtful, but hope was the emotion that overwhelmed me today. As time passed, and I knew it would pass slowly, I found myself trying to keep busy. Do something. Talk to someone. Clean the house. Move the car. Be productive. So I was. Things got done, but time passed slowly. So I called her, looking to hear a voice of strength, a voice of power, a secure voice. I got everything but that. Even at an older age I have realized that we can be afraid, scared, fearful and lost. She sounded “all of the above.” So I was reassuring, caring, loving and strong. She seemed to change her tone, for a moment, and then it was gone. She was hopeful, but frightened, ready, but afraid, curious, but timid. I wished her luck and asked her to call me when she was done. “I love you, good luck! I can’t wait to hear all about it! I love you, oh, I already said that, ok bye!” I thought the day went by slowly. Boy was I wrong! Once I hung up that phone, time seemed to stand still……..Three hours later, my phone rings - it was her. In tears, upset, discouraged, sad and tired she said hello. I said “Did you just get out? How did it go?" To which she gave me details. This is going to be hard for her. Really hard. So hard she might quit, again. The question that remains is "how do I keep her wanting to go? How do I keep her invested?" Ok, that was two questions, but still….HOW?!? I’ll have to figure it out, and I will, because I’m invested. Here’s to day two and whatever that brings…
"Sometimes I feel like you’re the child and I’m the grownup. I can’t ever imagine being inside you. I can’t imagine being anywhere you’d let me hang around for nine straight months." - Mermaids